When the Going Gets Tough…

I’ve been through some shit. What kind of shit? It’s irrelevant. It was beyond what I was prepared to handle at that moment, and that’s all that matters.

Somewhat like the cars we own, if you think of our bodies as the machinery we are given and our minds as the owners, drivers, and maintainers of this machinery, it’s easy to figure that we each have distinct natural capabilities that require varying levels of support and maintenance. Like a Ferrari designed for speed and style wouldn’t fare well in rough terrain, and a Land Rover is not suitable for racing, each of us has our strengths and kryptonite. Consequently, it’s also important to remember that everyone’s struggles and triumphs are unique and not necessarily comparable.

More importantly, when the going gets tough, unlike the cars we drive, we can’t swap out our bodies for a newer, more robust model or our minds for a more skilled navigator to get through the task at hand (though sometimes we can lean on another who is more competent in the craft we seek). We must make do with what we have. Fortunately for us, our bodies and minds are capable of evolution. During the good times, we can build our emotional reserves and bolster our minds to handle the difficult times that life inevitably sends us.

In this post, I share strategies that have helped me overcome difficult times and eventually pick myself up after each fall. While these tips may be helpful for some, keep in mind that everyone’s needs are different. Pick and choose what works for you.

1. Being more authentic

We learn to mask our true feelings quite early on. Especially as a leader, we often need to be the light in a dark room, and I’ve certainly had my share of emanating strength and positivity even as I was breaking to pieces on the inside. However, it’s equally important to create moments in your life with people where you can take that mask off and be yourself for a while. Every now and then, setting down the load to pretend everything is ok does wonders to release the pressure inside us. It helps create space for vulnerability and openness that allows our friends to reach out and offer support.

Sharing our struggles more openly has the bonus of letting people know to lean on us if they go through a similar difficulty. I’ve been called upon to support friends’ loved ones through many struggles because those friends were by my side as I journeyed through the same.

2. Setting boundaries

I realized this very late in life and only when someone spelled it out loud and clear to me. I had relationships where I gave highly unhealthy amounts of my time and energy. I was never saying no; instead, I was usually volunteering to be the doormat, and in several cases, I got nothing but anguish in return. I was draining away my life energy and had no one to blame but myself. Being able to say “no”, especially to loved ones, and creating a boundary for my space and time has been challenging but critical on my road to sanity and balance. If you tend to be a boundless giver, pick up this difficult yet necessary skill to prevent overextension and cultivate self-care.

3. Becoming more self-aware

It’s essential to understand yourself and know which relationships or activities (and when) are drawing energy from you and which ones are nourishing your spirit — and then make sure to carve out time for the latter to keep your spirit nurtured. For example, I love spending time with friends, but if I don’t get enough downtime and quiet, I get incredibly cranky and am ready to blow up at the drop of a hat. Conversely, being indoors all day gets me feeling quite blue, and I love going out in the sun or finding ways to move my body, so my energy doesn’t stagnate.

I was fortunate my gym opened for outdoor exercise within just a couple of months of the pandemic lockdowns, and I could go out nearly every day of those quarantine months! Though I usually like to exercise alone, being with my gym buddies was my lifeline in those days of isolation.

Recognizing your needs and limitations at a given time allows you to strive for balance and avoid feeling overwhelmed.

4. Exercising regularly

Continuing on the previous topic, if you hate exercising, consider a change in attitude towards it. In my life, I had forced myself to exercise for 10+ years before I was forced to take a break at an extremely low point in my life. I gained about ~25 pounds in 4 months (yep, size 4 to 14 in a jiffy). My goal for exercise had always been a struggle against my body’s natural tendency to pack on the pounds. It was a constant fight against my nature and a sense of virtually whipping myself to stay in shape. After I recovered from my low point, I have forever struggled to shed those great pounds. But I have had moments of acceptance. More importantly, I still exercise regularly but without struggle.

A crucial mental shift occurred for me. I started seeing exercise as an act of love to nurture and strengthen my body rather than an act of punishment to lose weight/look good. Instead of criticizing myself for losing weight, I focus on gaining strength, getting some quiet me-time, and smashing my fitness goals! By embracing a positive attitude towards exercise, you can avoid seeing it as a chore and focus on enjoying the process.

5. Getting enough sleep

I will go out on a limb and say that lack of sleep may be the root of all evil in my life! The more tired our brains are, the more we want to get into states of binge-watching or Revenge Bedtime Procrastination, which creates a vicious cycle of fatigue and stress. If you can find a way to break out of this loop, you may cross the chasm and find yourself wrapped in the comfort and harmony of a consistent routine. Getting enough restful sleep is essential to rejuvenate your mind and body.

6. Self-compassion

Having grown up in a household and community with a rigorous focus on intention-setting and self-control, I misconstrued the meanings of fasting and austerity rituals as being 100% strict and harsh towards oneself. Again, practicing self-discipline was more an act of self-retribution than training oneself to be stronger and in control of one’s desires. I now believe that the first person I need to show compassion towards is myself. I know many of us are our own harshest critics and drive ourselves insane with our tendency to be perfect or our ambition and drive for accomplishment. I try to replace this with being my coach, gently training, and nudging myself to be or do better. When I’m tough on myself, imagining a loved one in my place in a given situation is especially helpful. It’s a nice trick to see myself through a different lens and see how the attitude often changes from a negative one (failure, guilt, regret, etc.) to kindness, praise, and encouragement.

7. Meditation

In the last few years, meditation has gone mainstream and is being touted as the panacea for all human suffering, from lowering blood pressure to managing trauma. If you’re like me, you may struggle to get a routine going. Honestly, I find this brain exercise regimen even more complicated than physical exercise (and that’s saying something…in my youth, I would have been a certified couch potato if such a thing existed). Whether due to various chronic aches and pains in my body, or an overactive monkey mind, I must confess that I have difficulty sitting still. Though I believe in the power of meditation and have a routine I guide my kids through, I can only sporadically get through a deep meditation session without feeling restless. I find that other ways to engage in quiet activities like mindful walking, painting, and active stretching allow me to get meditative and feel relaxed without the power struggle between mind and body. An area of growth for me.

8. Paying it forward

I can hardly stress the value of this enough. Though it’s a bit counter-intuitive, I can attest to the general belief that helping others improves our mental well-being. First and foremost, it helps create deeper social connections, a key ingredient to happiness and longevity. Secondly, it gives another perspective on my struggles, either letting me know that my troubles aren’t that bad or reminding me to be kinder to myself through tough times. Lastly, it uplifts my spirit and gives more profound meaning and satisfaction to my life to have been of value to someone.

So there you have it. It took me too long to figure out that getting enough sleep, exercising, and meditation are vital ingredients to developing and maintaining mental well-being. Hopefully, you can more quickly find what works best for you! Be well!